SELECTIONS FROM THE REVITALISATION OF THE SCIENCES OF RELIGION Al-Ghazali’s Ihya’ Ulum al-Din The Ethics of Marriage Chapter One Concerning Encouragement and Discouragement to Marriage As in the Koran Allah, the Almighty said: “Marry those among you who are spouseless and the virtuous …” (Koran Ch. 24 verse 32) and also Allah said: “…do not restrain them from marrying their (future) husbands….” (Koran Ch. 2 verse 232) and also in describing and praising the Messengers Allah, praise and peace be upon him, the Almighty has said: “We have sent forth other Messengers before you and given them wives and descendants.…” (Koran Ch.13 verse 38) Allah, the Almighty mentions this here in showing His bounty and grace. Allah Glory be to Him has shown us how the righteous should give praise: “Lord give us of our wives and children what pleases our eyes …”(Koran Ch. 25 verse 74). As to tradition the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: ‘Marrying however turns away from my rite, then he has turned away from me.” And he said: “Marriage is my rite, so whoever likes my nature let him follow my rite.’ And he also said: “Marry and multiply, because I will be proud of you on the Day of Judgment even in the miscarried fetus.” And he said: “Whoever abstains from marriage in fear of poverty is not one of us.” As to the sayings of the Companions, Umar - may Allah be pleased with him - said: “Nothing prevents one from marrying except for one who makes it impossible for himself or who is licentious.” He has shown that Religion does not deter from marriage, and he limits the obstacles into two blameworthy matters. Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with them) said: “The Piety of a pious person is not complete until he marries.” He likens marriage to piety and the way of perfecting it. What is apparent is that he wants to safeguard his piety, from the temptations of desire, by marriage. Piety will not be completed except by the mind being at rest. Ibn Masud - may Allah be pleased with him - said: “If there were only ten days left of my life, I would like to marry so that I would not meet Allah, the Almighty while I was unmarried.” The Advantages and Disadvantages of Marriage There are five advantages in marriage: The First advantage: The child, he is the object of marriage as the purpose of marriage is for the continuation of the human race, so that the world will not be depleted from humanity. Having a child is an act, which brings on closer to Allah, the Almighty in four ways: - Firstly, it is the most precise way, which is far from common understanding. It is the most powerful way for those who have vision to reflect upon the wonders of the creation of Allah and His command of the universe. The explanation of that is that if the master has handed the servant the seeds and the tools of tillage, and readied for him a land for cultivation, and the servant is able to cultivate it and has appointed him to look after it, then if eh was lazy and left the tools idle and left the seeds until there were rotten, then if the servant attempted to defend his laziness, he deserves to be blamed by his master and to have his anger directed at him. Allah, the Almighty has created the pair, male and female, then He incited upon them, whether male or female, the desire for each other and He created the small quantity of sperm and created in the female the womb and prepared it as a secure place for it and created the placenta to carry its nourishment. These acts and tools certify to the intention of their creator and call those who possess minds to know what they were prepared for. Secondly, striving to gain the love and pleasure of the Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, by multiplying the Muslims whose number will be the cause for his pride. Thirdly, that there remains after him a righteous sons who will pray for him as it was narrated in the Hadith: “All the deeds of the son of Adam will be cut except for three.” It was mentioned that among the three is the righteous son. Fourthly, that if the child dies before him, he will intercede for him. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Whoever has three who died before reaching the age of puberty, Allah, the Almighty will admit him to Paradise by His mercy for their sake.” It was said: “O Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, what about if they were two?” He said: “And also if they were two.” The Second Advantage: Is to be protected from the tempting of satan and breaking the desire, to lower the gaze, to preserve the chastity, as the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Whoever has married has protected half his religion, so let him fear Allah in the other half.” And he also said: “You should marry, and whoever is unable must fast, as fasting breaks the desire.” The Third Advantage: Is the companionship and enjoyment of each other’s company, giving happiness to the hearts, which will enable him to fulfill his worship, as the human soul, when it is bored, repels the truth, because it is against its nature. If it was obliged to continue with what it is opposed to, it will return back to falsehood. If it is amused by its pleasures from time to time, then it would be strengthened and active. In the company of women there is much rest and pleasure, which would negate the toil and weariness of the life and gladden the heart. The soul of the pious must have amusement in lawful pleasure, that is why Allah, the Almighty has said: “It is He who created you from a soul. From it He created its mate, so that he might reside with her. …” (Koran Ch. 7 verse 189). Ali - may Allah be pleased with him - said: “Gladden your heart for an hour because if it is deprived it will become blind.” In the tradition it was said: “A wise man should have three hours, one hour to remember Allah, the Almighty, one hour to bring himself to account, and one hour for his eating and drinking and taking pleasure, as these hours will sustain him from the remaining hours.” The Fourth Advantage: That his heart will not be occupied in running his house, domestic chores such as cooking, cleaning, furnishing, washing dishes preparing all the necessities of life, as if he was to take care of all this he would spend all his time and have no time left to gain knowledge or to work. The righteous woman who takes care of her housekeeping assists her husband in the religion, the destabilization of these matters will occupy and disturb the mind and make disharmony in the life. Abu Soliman Al Darani - may Allah have mercy upon him - said: “The righteous wife is not of this life, she spares her husband’s time for the Hereafter.” The Fifth Advantage: Is in the disciplining of the soul, refining the character, and curing the sickness of the heart, and taking care of the rights of the wife and persevering in patience to tolerate any aggravation, to strive in reforming them and guiding them to the way of religion. To strive to gain the lawful for their sake and to care for the upbringing of the children, all these deeds are of great virtue. As to the discouragements to marriage there are three: Firstly: The major discouragement is the inability to seek the lawful. As this will not be easy for everyone, especially in these days when life is difficult. So marriage will be an increased burden and a cause to feed the family from unlawful means. Secondly: Failing to give them their rights and to be impatient towards any aggravation. To be pleasant with women and to carry on with them according to their lusts is easier than seeking the lawful. In this there is great danger because he is the shepherd and he will be questioned about his responsibility. The Prophet said: “It is a great sin for a person to destroy his family by overlooking their errors and not correcting them.” For this reason many people have renounced marriage saying that they are tested enough by themselves, so how could they add to that another soul. Thirdly: It is other than the first and second; that the wife and child draw one away from the remembrance of Allah and lure him to the life of this world and its gains in order for him to provide a good standard of living for his children, so he needs to earn enough money for them, to save for their future, and to be proud of them. All things, which draw you away from your remembrance of Allah, the Almighty, whether they are your wife, money or children, are ominous for the one who has them. If you say: “Why then did Jesus renounce marriage in spite of its virtues?” If it was better to renounce it for the sake of worshiping Allah, then why did our Prophet Muhammad, praise and peace be upon him, marry several wives? Know that it is better to do both; to have more wives if you are fair between them and able to be equitable, and to worship Allah as nothing can keep you away from the remembrance of Allah. Our Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, took the matter by his strength and did both marry and worship to his fullest extent, and in spite of his having nine wives nothing took him away from his worship of Allah, the Almighty. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, in his nobility, worldly matter did not hinder his heart from being always with Allah, the Revelations used to come down to him while he was in his wife’s bed, so we should not make comparison between him and ourselves. But Jesus took the matter by firm resolve not by strength and decided to abstain from marriage, and maybe in his case marriage would have affected him differently, or would have been difficult for him to have done both, so he preferred to be fully in continuous worship. They are the best to know of their circumstances and the conditions prevailing in their time in the way of lawful gain and the character of women, and what is expected of the husband and the requirements for marriage. Whatever the situation was marriage would have been better in some cases and renouncing it better in others. We are obliged to look at the acts of the Prophets without criticism under all circumstances. Chapter Two Concerning What is to be Observed at the Time of a Marriage Contract Regarding the Status of the Woman and the Conditions of the Marriage The conditions and the pillars of the marriage contract, which make the marriage lawful are four: - The permission of the guardian, if there is no guardian then the Sultan. The acceptance of the woman if she is deflowered and reached the age of puberty or virgin and reached the age of puberty if the one who is her guardian is other than her father or grandfather. The presence of two just witnesses, if they are unjust, then it should be ruled that the marriage contract should be made out of necessity. Full response and acceptance, in the fullest meaning of the word, al inakah or al tazweeg (of marriage), or the given meaning in other languages, it should be uttered by those who have reached adulthood. As for reasons in taking a bride, there are two categories; one is for lawfulness, the other for betterment and to achieve the purpose of marriage: The first category, what is considered lawful is that she should be void of any condition prohibiting marriage. The prohibitions are nineteen: She is already married. She is in a period of prescribed waiting, due to widowhood or divorce. She is renegade from the religion due to uttering words of disbelief. She is a Zoastrian. She is an idol worshiper or an atheist who does not believe in any prophet or book. Of these are those who believe in feminism and permissiveness. Marriage to such is unlawful. Thus to every woman who believes in falsehood. She is from the people of the book who believed in their religions after changing or after the sending of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, She is a slave and the bridegroom is free and able to pay dowry for a free woman. If she belongs to the one she will marry as one that is possessed by the right hand. She is related to the bridegroom in origin or branches, or branches of first origin, or from first branches of each origin after origin. We mean here by origin, mothers and grandmothers, and by branches, children and grandchildren, and by branches of first origin, brothers and their children, and by first branches of each origin after origin, maternal and paternal aunts, other than their children. She is a sister in suckling. And what is forbidden in the relatives of origin and branches is forbidden in the sister in suckling. Prohibited by the relationship of marriage in that the one who is wishes to marry has married her daughter or her grandmother or his father or his son has married her before him. That she would be the fifth wife while he has still four other wives. If the one who wishes to marry is already married to her sister or her maternal or paternal aunt, and the marriage would gather these together. If the one who wishes to marry has divorced her three times already, then she will not be lawful to him unless she first marries another man and is then divorced from him and she waits the prescribed period. The one who wishes to marry her has divorced her before by swearing an oath accusing her of adultery, or she accuses him likewise, she will be prohibited to him forever. She is ward on the pilgrimage (hijr or umrah) or the one who wishes to marry is the same, no marriage contract is permissible until they complete the pilgrimage. If she is deflowered and under age, marriage is prohibited until she reaches the age of puberty. If she is an orphan she cannot marry until she reaches the age of puberty. If she is from the wives of the Prophet, may Allah be pleased with them, after him, or he has married her, they are the mothers of the believers. The qualities of betterment of living, which should be taken into account when enacting a contract to marry a woman and to achieve of the purpose of marriage are eight: She should be righteous and pious. This is the most important attribute to look for. She should be of good character as this is very important if you seek her assistance in strengthening your religion, because if she is loose tongued, badly behaved, ungrateful for any favor, her harm will be greater than her benefit. She should be beautiful, this is also desirable as with it you will preserve your chastity. As for her nature, she should not be ugly, as much as she should be beautiful so her nature should be beautiful, as the two should go hand in hand. The Prophet said: “The best of your women is the one who if her husband looks at her she pleases him, and if he orders her to something she obeys, and if he is away she keeps him in herself and his wealth.” Her dowry should be reasonable. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “the best of the women are the beautiful in face and the least in dowry.” She should be fertile, so if she was known to be barren, she should not be sought in marriage. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Marry the fertile and amicable.’ If she was not married and her condition was unknown, then watch for her health and youth as if she is healthy and young she will be fertile. She should be virgin. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said to Jabir when he married a deflowered woman: “It would have been better if you had married a virgin, you would have enjoyed each other better.” She should be from a religious family of good origin, as she will bring up her daughters and sons, and if she is not of good upbringing she will not be able to bring up her children well. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Stay away from the flower, which grows in the sewerage?” He said: “She is the beautiful woman of bad origin.” He also said: “Choose carefully for your sperm, because bad traits are inherited.” She should not be from your close relatives as this diminishes the desire. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Do not marry a close relative, as the child will be born a weakling.” Chapter Three The Ethics of Intimacy and the Requirements for the Continuity of Marriage The first: The celebratory meal, it is preferable to hold one, Anas - may Allah be pleased with him - said: “The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, noticed the traces of henna on Abd El Rahman ibn Awf - may Allah be pleased with him -, so he said: ‘What is this?’ He replied: ‘I married a woman and I gave her an ounce of gold as her dowry.’ So the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: ‘May Allah bless your marriage, you should have a celebratory meal even with only a sheep.’” The Second: Dealing with wives in a good manner and tolerating their harm. Extend mercy towards them, Allah, the Almighty said: “…Live with them honorably. ” (Koran Ch. 4 verse 19) and Allah, the Almighty also said regarding the importance of women’s rights: “…and they have taken from you a strong covenant!” (Koran 4 verse 21). The last thing, which the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, urged upon the Muslims concerned three matters, he spoke of these repeatedly until his voice was tired: “Prayer and what your right hand possesses, do not compel them to anything they cannot do. Fear Allah in your women! Treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers, remember that you have taken them as your wives and enjoyed their flesh only under the trust of Allah and with His permission.” The Third: As well as tolerating their harm you should joke, exchange pleasantries and be lighthearted with them, because being lighthearted makes their hears feel better, the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, used to joke with his wives and deal with them according to their mentality, he used to work with them in their houses, to the point that he was seen running a race with Ayesha, may Allah be pleased with her, , which sometimes she won and sometimes he won, and he used to say one day for you and one day for me. Umar - may Allah be pleased with him -, in spite of his nature being rough, said: “A man must be like a child with his wife, but if they seek what he has, then they should find him a man.” The Fourth: A man should not go too far in his joking and good manner with his wife and should not always condescend to her whims, because this will spoil her character and belittle him in her eyes. So he should take a middling course between the two. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Miserable is the slave of the wife.” He only said that because if a man obeys his wife’s every whim then he is her slave. The Arab women used to teach their daughters how to test their husbands, and the women used to say to her daughter: “Test your husband before you dare on him; pull out the iron tip of his spear, if he says nothing, then try to cut the meat on his shield, if he says nothing, then break a bone with his sword, if he says nothing, then put the saddle on his back and ride him, he is only your donkey.” The heavens and the earth were created in justice, anything, which exceeds its limit creates disharmony. The Fifth: Moderation in Jealousy: A man should not be excessively jealous, and in matters whose outcome concerns him, he should not ignore them from their onset. He should not permit himself to go to extremes in suspicion, obstinacy or spying out the secrets of the heart. The Prophet forbade us from pursuing the faults of women. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “There is one kind of jealousy, which Allah, the Almighty loathes, that is the jealousy of a man for his wife without cause.” Because of suspicion from, which we have been forbidden, as most suspicion is sin. As for jealousy with cause, it is unavoidable and praiseworthy. The Sixth: Moderation in Expenditure: A man should not be excessively tightfisted or spend excessively for his wife, but he should be moderate. The most important thing to be observed in expenditure is that he feeds her from lawful sources and he should not make money unlawfully for her sake, as this will be a great sin against her rather than care of her. The Seventh: The husband should be knowledgeable about the menses and its rules and circumstances, and he should teach his wife the regulations regarding prayer and what she should do during the menstrual period and after it. The Eighth: If he has more than one wife, he should deal equitably between them, and he should not favor one over another, and if he has to travel and wishes one of them to accompany him, he should casts lots to choose between them, thus did the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him,. So if one wife wins the lot and so takes the turn of another wife, whose turn it was, then the other wife must have her turn replaced upon their return from the journey, and this is an obligation upon the husband. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Whoever has two wives, then he favors one over the other, on the Day of Judgment he will be brought out with one half of his body sideways.” He should be fair in what he gives them and in spending the nights with them. As for love, this does not come within the realm of choice. Allah, the Almighty said: “You will not be able to be just between your women, even though you are eager.…” (Koran Ch. 4 verse 129); this means you will never be able to be fair regarding the heart’s emotion. The Ninth: The Violation of Marital duties on the part of either Husband or Wife: Whatever discord there is between them, which cannot be reconciled, if it was the man’s fault, or from their joint faults, the wife should not be incited against her husband, and if the problem cannot be resolved then two arbitrators should be appointed, one from her side and one from his side to examine the matter and to try to reconciliate them. Allah, the Almighty said: “If you fear a breach between them send for an arbiter from his people and an arbiter from her people. If both wish reconciliation, Allah will bring success between them. …” (Koran Ch. 4 verse 35). Umar - may Allah be pleased with him - sent an arbitrator between a wife and husband, and he returned without being able to effect a reconciliation. So he raised his stick ready to strike him saying; ‘Allah, the Almighty said: ‘If they wish for reconciliation Allah will effect harmony between them,’ So the arbitrator had to return with a good intention and treat them kindly until he reconciled them. The Tenth: The Ethics of Marital Intercourse: The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “If any one of you when he approaches his wife says: ‘Please Allah distance the satan from us and distance satan from what You will bestow on us.’ Then Allah bestows on them a child, satan will never be able to harm him.” Let there be foreplay between them and before approaching each other they should begin by exchanging pleasant words and kisses. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “None of your should fall on top on his wife the way the animals fall on each other, but let there be between them a messenger.” They asked: “What is this messenger, O Prophet of Allah?” He said: “The kiss and the pleasant words.” Then if he finishes first he should wait for his wife until she also finished. The Eleventh: The Ethics of Partuition are five: There should not be more rejoicing for a male child than for a female, because one does not know where the good lies. One should make the call to prayer in the ear of the infant at birth. Rafiá has narrated from his father: “I have seen the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, making the call to pray in the ear of Al Hasan when Fatima (may Allah be pleased with her) gave birth to him.” Call the child by a good name, this is the right of the child, even the miscarried fetus should be named. Al Aqiqah: (to slaughter an animal) for the male, two lambs, and for the female one lamb. To rub the roof of the child’s mouth with a date or something sweet. The Twelfth: Divorce: Know that it is permissible but it is the most disliked of the permitted things in the sight of Allah, the Almighty. It is only permissible in order to avoid any harm or falsehood. Allah, the Almighty has said: “…Then, if they obey you, do not look for any way against them. …” (Koran 4 verse 34) The husband must observe four conditions in divorce; first that he divorces her while she is in a state of purity; second that it is confined to one divorce and not to divorce three times at once, because one divorce after the prescribed period of waiting, can permit him to return his wife to him during that period, and he can renew the marriage after the prescribed period. Third, he should be kind and gentle and appreciate the circumstances during the divorce without being violent or oppressive, because that might make her feel what she would miss upon separation, and they might be guided to reconcile. Fourth, he should not expose her secrets whether in divorce or during the marriage. As it was narrated regarding exposing the women’s secrets, that it is a great threat, and it was narrated of one of the righteous people, that when eh wanted to divorce a woman, he was asked what reason he had for divorcing her, he said: “The man of sound mind does not disclose his wife’s secrets.” So when he divorced her he was asked: “Why did you divorce her?” He replied: “I have no right to speak about the wife of someone else.” The Rights of the Husband over his Wife Much evidence in the Tradition have been narrated concerning the importance of the husband’s rights over his wife: The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, said: “Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her, she will be admitted to Paradise.” And the Prophet , praise and peace be upon him, said: “I have seen the Fire and I found most of its inhabitants are women.” So they asked: “Why, O Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him?” He said: “Because they curse too much and have been ungrateful to their husbands.” So it is his right that she should not give anything of his house except by his permission, but if she does so, the sin is on her, and the reward is for him. And of his rights is that she should not do any voluntary fasting except by his permission. The rights of the husband upon his wife are numerous: the most important are two: To keep him chaste and to cover his secrets. The other is that she should not ask him for things, which are unnecessary. To refrain from gaining anything unlawful. Thus were the habits of the women in the early days. When their husbands went out of their houses, the wives and daughters used to say: “Refrain from gaining any unlawful things as we can bear hunger and pain but we cannot bear Hell Fire.” It is a duty of the wife not to squander his money or wealth but she should assiduously keep it. The Ethics of Women The woman should stay in her house and should not go in and out of her house excessively, she should not speak excessively to neighbors, and she should not enter their homes except on occasion, she should keep her husband in his absence and seek his pleasure in all her acts. She should not betray him in his wealth or in herself. She should not go out of her house except by his permission. She must not meet the friend of her husband for any cause, her interests should be in amending herself in her affairs, in running her house, establishing her prayer and fasting, and she should be content with what Allah, the Almighty has bestowed upon her husband. She should prefer her husband before herself, and before all her relatives, she should keep herself clean and ready at all times for her husband to enjoy her whenever he wishes. She should be kind to her children, keep their secrets, refrain from insulting her children or arguing with her husband. And of her ethics also, is that she should not be proud because of her beauty, nor should she despise her husband if he is ugly. It was narrated that Al Asmo’ai said: “I entered a scrub land and found a woman who had a most beautiful face married to a man who had the ugliest face, so I asked her: “O you, how did you accept to marry someone like him?” She said: “Hold your tongue, you have uttered a wrong thing, he may be best in what is between himself and his creator, so He made me a reward for him, or it may be that I am the worst in what is between myself and my creator, so He made him my punishment.” And from the ethics of the woman is that she should adhere to righteousness, and be sad in the absence of her husband, and to return to play and happiness and be the cause of enjoyment when he is present. And what is due upon her of the rights of marriage is that if her husband dies she should not be very grieved for more than four months and ten. And she should refrain from beautifying herself during this period. Of her ethics is that she should perform every duty in the house that she can do. It was narrated that Asma’s bint Abu Bakr Sadiq (may Allah be pleased with them) said: “Al Zubair married me and he does not have land or wealth and owns nothings except his horse and his baggage camel, so I was feeding his horse and fetching the supplies and brushing it, and I used to pound the date stones to feed the camel and water it and make the water skins, and I used to prepare the dough and carry on my head the date stones for long distances until Abu Bakr sent a servant for me, so she looked after the horse and I felt as if I was set free.